Last year, I had an edgy idea to create a newsletter with my erotic alchemy medicine stories. I felt an overwhelming excitement to share them as a form of healing shamanic medicine & sacred artistic expression – Erotic Art. I knew they might even “break the internet”.
But as I began to write them, I felt a tremendous fear emerge in my body.
Fear of judgment, ridicule, rejection, the distortions & projection began to feel heavy. A sense of tenderness emerged. And then, I went into a state of fierce protection. I froze. I simply could not move forward on this endeavor despite practicing writing several erotic medicine stories, my body held too much fear to take them public.
I held the deeper vision and moved forward where I could meet myself.
Then shortly after my book begged to be born. I hired a gorgeous book doula to support me in writing my book and it brought up every single visibility fear I had not yet confronted.
She suggested I read the book Anna, the Voice of the Magdalenes. As I began to read the book, it activated me in a way no other book ever had. If you're unfamiliar, it's a channeled book about Jesus, his multiple wives and children. And the fear the Magdalene's lived in before their voices went into silence.
I knew in my soul that I was being called to share my whole story. Especially the taboo parts that I never wanted to say publicly. This was crossing a new threshold of the Madonna Whore wound that I hadn't yet encountered.
Internally, I was experiencing an existential fear of being seen & heard fully. Being asked to face what my kids, my parents, clients partners, the local community – would say if they knew who I really was. How I would handle the attention from sharing such intimate & vulnerable things so publicly. And if I could withstand the projections and still stay centered in my truth.
Even though I desired to, I was called to and there was a deep knowing that I “had” to bring my story forward and share my gnosis. – I couldn't fully express what wanted to come through yet.
I continued to expand my capacity to be visible in my pleasure throughout the year and ongoingly liberate my voice.
Where this actually showed up the most wasn't online like I had anticipated. It was at home. In my marriage, with my kids & in my relationships with clients. Primarily around holding new standards and enforcing my boundaries.
Learning how to ask for what I wanted and needed unapologetically – even with pushback, making others uncomfortable, and when it meant I was risking connection or the whole damn relationship.
While holding some of the biggest containers, amounts of money, pressure & responsibility.
That's where it got sticky – responsibility.
I felt like everything was my responsibility.
Emotions. Money. Biz strategy. Clean house. The laundry. The clients outcome. Event detail.
And as my husband took on a new business venture outside of us, I felt pulled by that too and more tasks and responsibilities landed on me. I took them on in the name of expansion ….
Until one day, I felt his venture begin to crack and I questioned my role in it. I explored stepping in it with him but it felt so heavy. So I made a firm decision to put all the heaviness down.
I put down the literal weight of the world. And something inside me shattered.
It was an old survival identity – The Strong One.
The woman who held it all & everyone else but could never allow herself to be fully held or met.
Yeah, her….she died. It took many, many months for the multitude of layers of protection to be dismantled.
A deep part of me was exposed underneath her armor. A tenderness, I had never quite known that existed within myself. She was raw, vulnerable, soft, gentle….but powerful in a very different way.
I showed up to facilitate one of my most sacred offerings at a large local women's retreat and I gave all of me. It was a beautiful expansive weekend. I had so much fun and experienced a lot of magic.
Yet as the weeks and months went by, the connections I made there were not reciprocated or maintained afterwards and I began to hear consistent negative feedback, mockery and judgment from the local women who were at the retreat but did not attend my event.
It penetrated me. I felt resentful, hurt and wildly misunderstood. I wasn't sure that the local community could meet me in the work I do and how I serve.
New decisions were made to serve those that are truly ready. And a new alignment emerged.
As I relinquished The Strong One, I also relinquished the need to be responsible for everything. I put down everything but the absolute essentials. I didn't tend to or manage every task in the house, the dogs or the money. I allowed others to take responsibility.
Instead, I spent months learning new skills on how to build a sacred business that would hold me & our family instead of me hold it. As I continued to liberate my voice, I also allowed myself to be held & recalibrate my nervous system to a new level of ease – minus pressure to perform or hold or prove or be understood.
My online presence paused indefinitely. I serviced existing clients but stopped actively forcing launches or marketing.
All while the dynamics of my marriage shifted. Our household dynamics shifted. And I took a gigantic period of rest & healing. In my mind, I thought it would be three months. It wasn't. It was more like eight.
WHAT HAPPENED NEXT
During a fall retreat ceremony, I saw how, at 45, I was still seeking unconscious approval from my Dad – and even moreso, my husband.
This revelation really rocked me. I felt the bigness of it & how deep it went. I knew that it would take time to fully unravel.
I was willing to be gentle with it. And yet many of the hooks demanded to be set free immediately.
My sovereignty was at stake. My voice demanded to be free.
While my husband called me into this period of deep rest, it asked something tremendous of him as well. The places where I had been holding us were no longer anchors he could depend on. And vice versa. We each had to walk alone for many months. To unhook the lingering threads of codependency.
It meant our marriage would die – yet again – to be reborn anew.
Every thread that untethered was a story that had to be released. And a new level of liberation and sovereignty was received. Terrifying & exhilarating at the same time. Painful at times & wildly heart opening at others. I wasn't sure we would make it. Each time I reached a breaking point, a new level of receiving became available.
As I unhooked from the man, I reconnected to God as my source. And my voice was freed a little more.
I wish I could say this was a brief initiatory portal – it was not.
Every time I spoke my truth to my husband, I risked losing him
and our connection that I so deeply treasured.
A man that meant everything to me.
The man who made me a mother.
The man who initiated me into my divine gifts
as a Womb Shaman, Priestess and Medicine Woman.
The man who held me so many times when I didn't feel safe.
The man who taught me to love my darkest parts.
The man who guided me through my erotic awakening.
The man who led me to heal my sexual traumas.
The man who I'd spent lifetimes doing this with.
– Was just that…a man.
He was also a flawed, human man
Who manipulated me to keep my love.
Who projected onto me when he didn’t want to see within himself.
Who betrayed me when he betrayed himself.
Who shattered my heart when he could not tend to his own.
Just as I had done to him. No one was the victim here. This was OUR co-creation.
This was the lesson in self-responsibility that we both had to own.
Yet, I still sought him to be my source of safety. To be perfect for me to feel safe. But that would never work. I had to source my own safety from within myself.
This is where it gets dark….
Until I fully accepted the Beast within him.
I was still afraid to speak.
I was still movable.
I was still outsourcing my power.
Then, I chose to love & accept the narcy parts.
The sociopathic parts.
The cynical part.
And see them with compassion, not as a threat to my safety. Because I also understood the value of these parts. They would kill for me, protect me and give me everything I desire.
And…I met those parts within me. Allowing me to love & accept them within him.
Then & only then, I was no longer afraid to lose him.
Because I knew that I would no longer lose ME.
– my love.
I would no longer abandon or betray myself even if others would.
And that set my voice fully free.
I could stand up to the Beast and no longer be moved by it.
Hold my boundaries, ask for what I wanted & be heard.
Embodied & anchored in the truth of God & Goddess as my source & holding. My Father God Wound sealed with a golden thread. I returned home to Eden within myself. – Free of shame & fear.
Undomesticated. Uninhibited. Heart unguarded. No longer seeking external validation, approval or permission.
He was invited to do the same. As we came back together, now sovereign. No longer sourcing from each other. Instead sourcing from our own inner divine love.
Not fearing the loss of the other. Rooted in the Sovereign Voice.
My inner Queen reclaimed the throne of my temple.
And the Dragon Eye Oracle became a vessel for the Divine Voice.
Step into the revolutionary Dragon Eye Temple for an immersive taste of wild liberation that ripples out into your voice, purpose, motherhood, intimate relationships, leadership & community.
July 14th | Introducing The GodSpells
28 Days of Hot & Holy Rituals to Liberate Your Voice
It's a visibility challenge, an identity shift and a newly emobodied conciousness all in one through simple & fun daily rituals + 4 ceremonies to invoke the alchemical elements.
Unearth the hidden truths that God lives within you- already.
Remember that everything you desire is already yours as you heal your God Wound.
Rediscover your exiled feminine power and liberate your Divine Voice.
Live free of shame.
Create a life that you love on your terms - with deep love, intimacy and sacred sex.
Experience full permission to be all of you.
As you Return to Sacredness and remember the Garden within, you alchemize the falsities and non-truths you carry and access your deepest desires to give them an unapolgetic voice.
Each GodSpell penetrates your Oracle body as Truth.
And you remember once again who you came here to be.
A whole new world of infinite wealth and possibilities become available to you as you restore your feminine and masculine into harmony and balance while upholding new standards and boundaries.
This deliciously, fun Mini-Dragon Eye Mystery School is delivered via oral tradition in an daily audio format for easeful listening at a simple & wildly insane $33.
Includes 28 daily 5-15 minute transmissions for easy daily listening…
- 4- Weekly Elemental Ceremonies
- 28 GodSpells
- Hot & Holy Medicine Stories
- God Code Voice Activations
- Sacred Wealth Rituals
- Liberation Prayers
- Erotic Alchemy Practices
- Behind-the-Veil Access
If you felt your throat clear, coughed, had a tingle or other activation in your body - then you already know this is for you.
It's time to let your voice become a wealth portal!
We begin July 14 with the New Moon.
Register below for only $33.
July 31st |ALL NEW| TEMAZCAL IMMERSION
Ceremony. Cuisine. Community. Culture.
This is our fifth year of hosting the temazcal! We can't even beleive it. After a lot of back and forth, Edmundo & I decided that we are returning to our roots with the temazcal and he and I will be facilitating together again this year.
But...we've upgraded the experience. As we've grown, so has our vision and, that means temazcal, too. It's expanded into an 5-1/2 hour immersion that now includes:
- Ceremony - experience the sweat lodge of the mesoamerica tradition.
- Cuisine - followed by a homemade family-style meal in our new outdoor dining area.
- Community - designed to create connection & networking as we build a village for a Sacred Wealth Society.
- Culture - no international travel required, experience the ancient technology of temazcal, right here in the outskirts of St Louis, MO.
We can't wait to see in the dark with you inside the womb of the Primordial Mother.
Purchase your tickets here.
Only 7 seat available.
July 31 | Women's Temazcal Immersion
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